I’m a big fan of Tiffany Han and her podcast “Raise Your Hand Say Yes.” (More about Tiffany here).
I recently listened to one of her oldest episodes, a podcast during which she discussed what she called”Crazyfaith.” Crazyfaith is a term she coined to explain the faith one must have in big ideas, even if they seem far-fetched or unattainable at the time. Crazyfaith is the knowledge that it’s all going to work out; that you know you can do it, even if everyone around you is skeptical.
There were two things that I took away from that podcast. One was that it’s okay to start, even if you’re not yet sure how to start. (To paraphrase Tiffany: it’s fine to say, “I have no idea how to do this, but here we go.”) It helped give me the confidence to get this blog up and running, even if I really don’t have a theme or an idea of where it’s going.
The second was that I needed to answer a question she posed: What is your end game? What does my ideal work life look like in my mind? What does my ideal life look like?
Initially, it was hard to break out of reality. My answer was easy and practical: I don’t want to work full-time at a restaurant anymore. (Backstory: I’ve been working in retail or at restaurants – nights, weekends, and holidays – for over two decades.) So perhaps a good answer would be “I’d have a day job”, and when it inevitably doesn’t pay enough (as none of my day jobs ever have), I could still stay on at the brewery a couple of nights a week for that necessary extra cash. Maybe a Thursday and Saturday, or Friday and Sunday.
My thought process reminded me of this scene from “The Office”, in which regional manager Michael Scott is so convinced that he will be getting a new corporate position that he has already named his top salesman Dwight Schrute as his successor. After learning the news, Dwight taunts his adversary and soon-to-be subordinate, Jim Halpert:
Dwight: (gleefully) Welcome to The Hotel Hell! Check-in time is now, and check-out time is never.
Jim: Does my room have cable?
Dwight: No. And the sheets are made of fire!
Jim: Can I change rooms?
Dwight: Sorry, we’re all booked up. Hell convention in town.
Jim: Can I have a late check-out?
Dwight: I’ll have to talk to the manager.
Jim: You’re not… the manager, even in your own fantasy?
Dwight: (pauses) … I’m the owner… the CO-owner… with Satan!
Jim: Okay. Just so I understand it: in your wildest fantasy, you are in hell, and you are co-running a bed-and-breakfast with the devil.
Dwight: Yeah, but I haven’t told you my salary yet.
Jim: (amused) Go.
Dwight: Eighty THOUSAND dollars a year!
I was being Dwight. In my wildest fantasy, I am working 50-55 hours a week at two jobs? In my dream scenario I am still making the same amount of money as before, and my main joy is that I only have to work weekends at my current high-stress serving job? Really? I didn’t even give myself a raise.
It’s hard to let go. I’ve worked two jobs for many years, and I enjoy that it’s not necessary as long as I stay where I’m at. My job is also offers insurance and retirement benefits, a rarity in the industry. I make good money year-round and I have some financial stability. And yet my Dwight-style work fantasy shows that I would be happy to work two jobs, even if I didn’t make more money, as long as I could spend less time at the one I have now.
That says something, and I can’t say that what it says isn’t true. I work at an incredibly high-volume restaurant, and the staff (experienced servers, all of us) are constantly over-extended in terms of the quantity of people we are assigned to oversee. I have never been so consistently exhausted, burned-out, and emotionally drained, and that’s coming from someone who’s used to this kind of work. When I’m not there, I don’t want to go for a run, visit friends, or work on my writing; all I want to do is catch up on sleep, veg out in front of the TV and stress-eat. I’ve gained at least twenty pounds since I started there two years ago.
So let’s break out of this. Let’s not say that my ideal life involves still waiting tables at The Hotel Hell and working a full-job I might not even like just so I have insurance benefits. Let’s see what else I can come up with.
Leaving Appleton 